"You're a dead man."

"Who is this?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"Hey, Donna."

"The chicken was brilliant Lymanesque tactical maneuvering."

"Was that a compliment? Do my ears deceive me?"

"Oh SHUT up."

"You looked good on TV."

"They played it? Oh God, that's it, that's my legacy. The chicken lady, that's what they're gonna call me. Everywhere I go I'm gonna have people pointing and laughing."

"They won't laugh at you, Donna!"

"Your guy did this amazing, arousing, motivational thing and you're no longer the dead horse campaign and the Vice President was at a hockey match and I screamed at a kid in feathers. I spazzed out on national television, Josh, and it's your fault."

"I'm sorry. Look, I seriously did not do this in any retaliatory way. You weren't even on my mind; it was spur of the moment. I had to get the debate."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know okay. God, I just..."

"What?"

"I wasn't on your mind?"

"Not in that way."

"Which way, Josh?"

"Look, it wasn't personal, Donna, I swear, it wasn't about you."

"Right."

"Come on, you know it wasn't."

"Yeah... I know."

"So don't get mad."

"You better believe I'm gonna get even."

"This isn't personal!"

"Did it ever used to be personal?"

"What? When?"

"Honest to God I'm so sick of you; you've become the master of the side step. I'm hanging up now."

~~

"Hello?"

"Cufflinks?"

"I thought about getting you one of those string ties but I was afraid you'd end up strangling yourself trying to do it up."

"Your faith in my dressing abilities is heart warming, Donna."

"I just didn't want you to die before the campaign was over."

"So it'd be okay if I die after that?"

"You know what I mean."

"I never know what you mean and Bingo Bob is not going to be the next President."

"Stop calling him that!"

"Why?"

"It's disrespectful, Josh."

"He hasn't done anything to command my respect."

"It's disrespectful to me. You're insulting the man I work for; the man I am trying very hard to get elected."

"He's never gonna be President."

"He's a good man!"

"That may be but he's a lousy politician."

"Joshua Lyman, I am not your assistant now. I'm your equal."

"Will is my equal."

"You know what I mean."

"No, I don't! And I've always treated you as my equal."

"Don't rewrite history to make yourself feel better, and don't try to draft my future."

"I'm trying to draft our future, Donna."

"I'm not coming back."

"I know... thanks for the cufflinks. I might need help doing them up."

"Ask your assistant."

"She's not my assistant and you're the only one who does it right."

"I'm sure she'll be able to cope with cufflinks. Coping with you, maybe not so much but I have faith in her."

"I'm not an easy man to live with."

"Like I didn't already know."

"You managed."

"That's because..."

"What?"

"Because I was deluded."

"In what way?"

"My way. I have to go; I have a meeting in a minute."

"Have we gone all personal now? Last time we spoke you hung up on me. Are the cufflinks chicken retribution?"

"It's not personal."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an adult, jackass. There are no hard feelings. No feelings whatsoever."

"Right."

"I'm being serious. We have to be mature about things now."

"What, we were immature the past seven, nearly eight, years?"

"What's this we business?"

"Come on, this from a woman who-"

"Okay, if you won't bring up my truck load of idiotic blunders, I won't bring up yours."

"I hardly think mine could fill a truck... well okay, let's not go there. Adults right?"

"We are at the age for it."

"Pity."

"Josh."

"We had fun, right?"

"Yeah."

"We're friends, right?"

"We never stopped being friends."

"Thanks for the cufflinks."

"You already thanked me."

"You're a good person, Donna."

"Don't stop remembering that."

"I never will, Chicken Girl; I'm gonna call you later."

"Now why would you do that?"

"So we can talk."

"About what?"

"I don't know. Stuff."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"I just said okay and now you've made me late."

"Goodbye then!"

~~

"Hey."

"Skis."

"Yep."

"Skis?"

"Yep."

"SKIS?!"

"Yes, skis, Donna."

"You bought me skis."

"Better late than never."

"Oh my God are you like five years old? This isn't playtime, Josh, what about acting adult?"

"I am acting adult here! It's a present, I never got you skis before, and so I figured well... why not."

"What am I supposed to do with skis?"

"Take them to Vail when you realize Santos is the man."

"Ha, you give me skis six years late but only as a consolation because you're so sure I'm going to lose?"

"He'll lose, you won't."

"This isn't funny, Josh."

"You got me Stetson cufflinks. You were being mean to me."

"I was being nice."

"Right."

"It was just a stupid gift. I wanted you to know there were no hard feelings."

"Hard feelings about what?"

"Because you're working for Santos."

"No no. The cufflinks were for the chicken right? This is some sort of childish revenge."

"The skis were about the cufflinks then."

"No!"

"Okay."

"You think I'm doing this to get back at you?"

"Yes!"

"Well I'm not."

"Skis..."

"I can do nice things you know."

"Not for me, Josh."

"That's unfair."

"I know. I'm sorry and I'm also sorry about the cufflinks. I didn't mean to start another war between us. I just wanted..."

"What."

"Forget it."

"Spill."

"I wanted to give you support."

"Why would I need support?"

"Because your man is coming in last. Regardless of how stupid I made my campaign look by abusing a chicken and even though he kicked butt with that ad, Santos is still at the bottom and I know you and how hard you've been working, and I was just trying TO BE NICE."

"You don't have to yell and as I recall, our previous candidate was also coming in last."

"It doesn't happen twice."

"Why not?"

"Life isn't that fair."

"Are you saying Santos should win?"

"I'm only saying that the sitting Vice President is always the presumptive nominee."

"Doesn't mean he's the right one."

"He's the right one for me."

"You don't know what's right... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"Yes you did. After all this time you still think so little of my intelligence?"

"We both know that's not true."

"Maybe so, but your little girl has grown up; she's living the life she wants. It's the life I need to live if I'm to have any self respect."

"I understand the self respect but it isn't the life you want."

"Do you want this life?"

"I left didn't I? It was time to go for both of us, but you went the wrong way."

"The way I went was the only way available at the time and you know what? I made the right choice. It's the best I can do."

"You should be with me."

"I need to be with me right now."

"I... know."

"Thanks again for the skis. They're really nice."

"Add them to your pile of equipment."

"I'll have to post them back to DC, I can't lug them around the campaign trail."

"Courier them on my credit card. I'm sure you remember the number."

"I remember everything. I have to go, it's late and I'm tired.

"Yeah."

"Thanks again."

"No problem."

"Josh..."

"Yeah?"

"You're doing good."

"Thanks. Donna?"

"Yes?"

"I miss you."

"I know. Good night."

~~

"It's me."

"Can't sleep?"

"I just wanted to say..."

"What?"

"I miss you too Josh."

"I know that."

"It's just... awkward and I've never been awkward around you before. I..."

"Don't know what to say?"

"Right."

"Me neither."

"What's happening with us?"

"I don't know, Donna."

"Me neither."

"I have to get Santos elected."

"I have to get Bingo- I mean the Vice President elected."

"Why is it we fight every time we talk now?"

"Because."

"Good answer."

"You have to come up with your own answer, Josh."

"I don't like being your enemy."

"You're not."

"It feels that way Donna. There are things... no never mind."

"What things?"

"Nothings. I want to be able to tell you about my day. I want to share a beer with you and bitch about politics. I want to sprawl on the motel bed while you force me to watch a cheesy late night movie."

"Josh."

"I want us to be us again."

"I don't want us to be us again because at the end, us sucked."

"I know."

"So what do you want?"

"I don't know, Donna."

"I want to sleep now."

"Yeah... sleep sounds good."

"Try and figure out what you want before it's too late."

"We're not talking about the campaign."

"You're right."

"Well then."

"Indeed."

"I guess... well, I suppose..."

"Don't waste your life with guessing and supposing, Josh."

"How long have I got?"

"Not long now."

"So... where do we go?"

"It's up to you."

"Yeah."

"You want to talk to me about nothings?"

"Yes."

"Call me tomorrow."

"Why?"

"So we can talk about nothings. Sweet dreams, Josh."

~~

"Kill me now!"

"That's how you choose to start a conversation with me?"

"Kill me now please?"

"Josh, I cannot tell you how much I'm tempted but since I don't know how to send an electric shock down the phone line, you'll have to wait until our paths cross."

"We're on cell phones, there are no lines."

"Through the airwaves then."

"Yeah, if you figured how to do that you'd make a fortune as an assassin."

"I'd look good in black leather."

"Right okay, well. I'm trying not to have inappropriate thoughts here."

"Try harder."

"Yes. Yes, the hardness is the difficulty."

"JOSH!"

"I said nothing."

"You have exactly ten seconds to tell me why I should kill you before I come up with my own reasons."

"I'm completely wiped out. I seriously do not know if I'm coming or going, if I'm up or down. I think...I'm already dead."

"What exactly has precipitated this new round of Joshua Lyman hyperbole?"

"Kids."

"Since when do you have kids?"

"The Congressman's kids."

"Ohhh."

"Seriously, I haven't been around little people before. Well, okay, I do know a few Senators with the same mental age, but physically? I couldn't keep up with them."

"Why did you have to keep up with them?"

"It was their anniversary."

"The Congressman and his wife?"

"Yeah, obviously not the kids, Donna. Try to keep up with me here."

"You got stuck babysitting."

"I didn't get stuck, I volunteered."

"Josh."

"I got stuck."

"Let me guess, everyone else was conveniently busy?"

"It was a conspiracy or something. The place mysteriously emptied and I was left holding the ball. Literally."

"You played ball with the kids?"

"Yes."

"Aww, that's so sweet."

"Oh don't go all girly on me here. It was all wet and cold outside and they were twitchy. Let me tell you something - you think it's wise to play ball in a hotel room?"

"What'd you break?"

"How do you know it was me?"

"Josh."

"I never realized a television looked like that on the inside."

"Well too much TV is a bad thing."

"Yeah bizarrely though, they didn't see it that way. There were... let's just call them issues, because they couldn't watch The Simpsons."

"Why were you playing ball inside?"

"Donna, it was dark and wet and cold and they insisted and I don't know how to look after kids."

"Yeah well the first thing is not to let them know you're a complete novice. It's like riding a horse, gotta let it know who the boss is. Set some ground rules."

"You mean like the rules you made for me?"

"Okay well you didn't let them drink right?"

"No."

"Or give them coffee? Or let them eat bad food?"

"Well I didn't give them coffee but we had pizza."

"Did you learn anything from me, Josh?"

"Apparently not."

"Let me tell you something: kids are hard work. You have to have eyes in the back of your head."

"And sixteen extra arms and twenty seven extra legs."

"Twenty eight actually."

"Of course."

"You don't have kids and you don't know anyone with kids so how is it you know so much about kids?"

"I would think that would be obvious."

"Female thing."

"No, intelligence thing. Female thing? Josh you have to get over this sexist attitude, it's so not attractive on a man your age."

"A man my age should be hitting a mid life crisis. Finding a tall leggy blond to have fun with."

"I'm tall. I have legs."

"Are you naturally blond?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"I plead the fifth."

"Can't hide for the rest of your life, Josh. You have to come out and play sometime instead of sulking in your room."

"And we begin with the metaphors again."

"We're just so good at them."

"We suck at everything else."

"At least we suck together."

"Okay, this is getting way too..."

"Yeah, totally."

"Donna, I think it's past my bedtime. Say goodnight and hang up so I can go to sleep."

"You first."

"No, you first."

"Don't you love being childish?"

"I do."

"Nighty night, Joshykins. Don't let the bedbugs bite."

"Since there's no one else here to do the biting..."

"In your dreams."

"Pretty much where all the action is now."

"Too much information for me, I'm hanging up."

"Later."

~~

"Donna Moss."

"Okay you have caller ID, you know it's me, why don't you just say hello like a normal person?"

"I'm a professional."

"Professional what?"

"Witty, what do you want?"

"I hurt myself today."

"You're calling to tell me you hurt yourself?"

"I'm calling to ask your advice because I know how much you like to give it."

"That's an insult wrapped up in a compliment."

"I'm good at those."

"What did you do?"

"Must you sigh like that, Donna?"

"Yes."

"Fine. I went running this morning."

"You went running?"

"I just said that, what are you, my echo?"

"Sorry, I was just imagining you in little shorts in ten degree weather running through the snow."

"It wasn't snowing, I was wearing sweats and a scarf... and ear muffs."

"You really are a fashionista."

"Shut up, I'm in pain."

"And must you whine like that?"

"Yes."

"Can't expect a leopard to change its spots I guess; please, continue."

"I was running and it was dark because it was like five in the morning, and I slipped on a patch of ice."

"Poor baby."

"I hurt myself."

"And your new assistant didn't kiss it better?"

"Okay, well I don't think anyone would want to kiss the place I hurt and since when do assistants kiss things better?"

"The nice ones do."

"I don't recall you kissing me better and frankly, if he offers, I'd be a little freaked out."

"You have a point. Let me guess, you fell on your butt?"

"That would be the place."

"Ouch."

"So it was okay today while I was rushing around being a success."

"You just can't ignore the chance to show off."

"Do you know me at all?"

"Shut up and continue your sob story, Josh."

"As I was saying, it was okay today but now it really hurts and I just checked myself out in the mirror... HEY! No laughing at me, Donna, come on!"

"Sorry, I just had a visual."

"Hmm."

"Not like that."

"Well I'm having no visuals here and the point of this is my ass hurts, and I can't lie down."

"Lie on your stomach and hang your feet off the end of your bed."

"Um, why?"

"You can't sleep on your back right? And when you lie on your stomach your ass still hurts because the cheap sucky hotel bed bends your spine backwards."

"You know too much."

"I'm psychic."

"Psycho."

"You really want to insult me here?"

"I'll be good."

"Right."

"So I should sleep with my feet hanging off the end?"

"Yep."

"My feet will get cold."

"Wear socks."

"I don't wear socks to bed, it's girly."

"I used to date someone who went to bed wearing socks."

"What... who?"

"And I can assure you he was incredibly manly in all possible things."

"Who was it?"

"Night Josh."

"Wait, Donna, you just can't hang-"

~~

"Huh, what?"

"Good morning, Josh, this is your wake up call."

"Donna?"

"Does your regular motel automaton call you by name?"

"Not really, no."

"I thought you might like to hear an actual human voice today."

"Why are you giving me a wake up call?"

"Someone has to."

"Why?"

"Because."

"That's a logical argument if ever I heard one."

"Get up."

"How do you know I wasn't planning on sleeping in?"

"When was the last time you actually slept past six?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Good."

"Actually, if it's six then my regular automaton needs to be fired because it hasn't called me yet. It's a good thing I have an alarm clock."

"On the road?"

"My cell phone."

"The cell you're talking on now?"

"Um, yeah."

"Do you know that talking on the cell overrides the alarm function? All you'll hear is a tiny beep. That wouldn't wake anyone."

"Probably not."

"So it's a good thing I called."

"Wait, hang on that makes no sense."

"Yes it does."

"No it doesn't, if you hadn't called the alarm would have gone off."

"But I did call so the alarm wouldn't have gone off."

"Says you."

"And because the alarm didn't go off it's a good thing I called."

"What? Go back. I don't-"

"Are you up yet?"

"I'm awake but I wish to God I wasn't. I don't understand why I'm so tired."

"I have a confession."

"Yes, my child."

"It's only five thirty."

"Uhhh, why do you torture me so much, Donna?"

"Because it's fun."

"You got me up half an hour early for a bit of fun?"

"To play with your mind."

"So all that stuff about my cell alarm not going off..."

"Fun wasn't it."

"Donnnnna."

"Hello, Mr. Whiny."

"Is this my new nickname?"

"Get up."

"It's cold."

"Stay in bed while Russell for President storms the country."

"I'm up and out of bed and my feet are cold."

"Good boy, put some socks on."

"Yes, Mom. I'm like a decade older than you, I'm not a child."

"You're more than a decade bucko and I know how long those creaky old bones take to warm up."

"Funny."

"Anyway, I just wanted to say hi."

"And sass me a bit."

"That was a bonus."

"You just love to mess with me."

"It's automatic. I don't hear you moving around."

"I'm stealthy. Don't want to wake up the neighbors."

"You're lying to me."

"It's so eaaarly, Donna. There's no sun. Where the hell is my watch?"

"You left it in the bathroom."

"Were you here last night and I just forgot?"

"If I was there then it doesn't bode well for me that you forgot, so it's a good thing I'm in Kansas. You're in Albuquerque."

"Do you have spies? Like those little miniscule cameras they stick on flies and train them to infiltrate the enemy? Fly spies. Heh."

"You're completely out of your tiny mind."

"Hey, I found my watch."

"And it was where?"

"Bmmarphm."

"I can't hear you."

"Shut up okay."

"Must go, do good today, Josh."

"Do better, Donna."

"Call me later?"

"You bet."

~~

"Hey."

"What's up?"

"I'm a little busy, Josh."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Busy doing nothing?"

"I'm a master at it."

"Is that... are you in the bath?"

"Maybe."

"That's definitely splashing I hear."

"I have a rubber ducky."

"Really?"

"Not really, no. I only have a flannel washcloth but I can have just as much fun with that."

"In what way?"

"In many ways and since you have no imagination I'm guessing right now your mind is a blank."

"Extremely, totally blank. I am imagining nothing. No thoughts are in my head."

"Good because if you did have thoughts I'd have to beat you senseless with your own laptop."

"You'll have to dry off first otherwise you might get electrocuted."

"Wouldn't want that."

"Of course if you did get jolted, I'd probably have to give you mouth to mouth."

"How noble of you, Josh."

"We all have to make sacrifices. I mean, having no idea where your lips have been recently..."

"The only response I have to that is to scream very loudly in your ear that you are quite simply insane."

"You make me insane, and I don't hear any screaming."

"That's because it's after midnight and I'm too polite to wake up the entire motel."

"Which motel is that?"

"You know."

"I do? How should I know, Donna?"

"The same way I know where you are."

"Because it's always a good idea to keep an eye on the enemy?"

"Yep."

"And that's why I know what you're doing and where you're doing it?"

"That's exactly why, but since you don't know who I'm kissing you seem to be failing at recon."

"As long as it's not Bingo Bob, the baby kissing candidate."

"You think I would make out with my boss?"

"Well since you've never done it before, probably not."

"Walking a thin line here."

"So I suck at recon. I didn't know you were in the bath; you gave me that little gem."

"Do you feel special?"

"When you're around."

"I'm making faces at you right now."

"Yeah, what else is new? Oh and we're not enemies, you and I. We established that."

"Yeah I know."

"Don't rebuild the walls, Donna."

"Why should I rebuild what hasn't yet fallen?"

"Point. And it's not about falling, it's about unbricking."

"I don't think that's a word."

"I made it up."

"I don't think you're allowed to do that."

"I'm going to do whatever's necessary."

"For what."

"To unbrick every wall I can."

"Ambitious. My bubbles are popping."

"Huh?"

"In my bath. I dumped a whole bottle of the complimentary shampoo in the bath to make bubbles but they're rapidly dissolving."

"Is this a metaphorical thing?"

"I had to take what was available because there wasn't anything else."

"And now it's disappearing on you."

"Yep."

"Maybe you should get out of the bath."

"Maybe I should."

"I'll let you go then."

"Only for tonight."

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Donna, I know where you are because I want to know where you are."

"I know."

~~

"Morning kiddo."

"Kiddo?"

"Sorry, been around the young ones too much."

"I think there's a bit of an age difference between the Congressman's children and me, Josh."

"And yet I've seen you in little pigtails."

"Only because you would keep me so late at the office that I'd oversleep and wouldn't have time to wash my hair the next day."

"I thought you never had a bad hair day?"

"That's right."

"So the pigtails?"

"If I didn't put my unwashed hair in pigtails I would have a bad hair day. Try to keep up with me here."

"Oh God, Donna, I'm trying."

"So now we've got that pointless piece of conversation out of the way, what do you want?"

"Do I have to want anything to call you?"

"Mmm."

"What was that mmm for?"

"Nothing."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm having breakfast Josh. What else would I be doing at six in the morning?"

"Washing your hair."

"Clever."

"You know, I really am."

"So you don't have anything in particular to say?"

"Um... what are you having for breakfast?"

"Toast and coffee."

"Burnt toast?"

"Why would I eat burnt toast, Josh?"

"Maybe you overcooked it or something."

"It's room service toast. If they burn the toast they throw it away."

"Good, because it's supposed to be bad for you."

"How can it be worse than non burnt toast or, for that matter, bread?"

"I don't know. You hear things."

"Well you hear the stupidest things, Josh and I can't believe you're actually worried for my health."

"Of course I'm worried about you. And toast is hardly a good meal to start the day on."

"This from a man who thinks donuts are one of the major food groups."

"I'm concerned about your health and you insult me. Nice."

"Oh shut up. What flavor did you have?"

"What makes you think I had donuts for breakfast?"

"Josh."

"Raspberry jelly."

"Oooh."

"Jealous?"

"Maybe."

"If you were with me, I'd have given you first bite."

"So I'm undeserving of my very own donut?"

"I only had one. And you've never minded stealing my food before."

"True."

"Don't speak with your mouth full."

"Hypocrite."

"I'm not eating anything, Donna!"

"So you've forgotten the multitude of times you ignored the fact that food was falling from your gaping jaws because you absolutely had to interject something utterly important into a conversation."

"That was a long sentence to get out in one breath."

"Well, what can I say other than I'm extremely talented."

"I miss that."

"My talents or the fact I can ramble on for hours without breathing?"

"Both."

"Wanna know something?"

"Sure."

"There's no one here that can match you in conversation."

"Is that a compliment or an insult?"

"Do you need to ask?"

"No."

"Did you know that marriage is nothing but a long conversation checkered by disputes? Robert Louis Stevenson."

"That certainly sounds like you and I."

"Ah, but we're not married, Josh. And whatever we have is nothing but a long conversation checkered with snarky comments."

"You don't have a name for what we are?"

"Do you?"

"We're friends."

"Well that's a given."

"And..."

"And?"

"I don't know, Donna."

"You want to know something else?"

"Sure."

"I don't know what we are either. And that scares me, Josh. I spent years not knowing who I was or what I wanted from life and then I met you and things got a little clearer. And now..."

"Now?"

"Can you answer that yourself? You think both of us know exactly what we want from life and from each other?"

"Should we?"

"Yeah, we should. After what, eight years of knowing each other, you think by now we should know."

"And yet we don't."

"Guess not."

"I'd like to figure it out, Donna."

"But not when you've got a campaign to run."

"Yeah."

"Well I guess I need to go then. There's nothing but a few measly crumbs on my empty plate so I can't sit here forever."

"I get the feeling that's metaphorical. We seem to talk like that too much."

"One day, Josh, we'll learn to say what we actually mean. Call me later?"

"Count on it."

~~

"You know what I realized today?"

"Hello to you too."

"Hi. You know what I realized?"

"That you've been kidding yourself all these years and you really think being Republican is the way to go?"

"Oh God, Donna, don't even joke about things like that!"

"Sorry, sorry. Go on, what did you realize?"

"My plants are dead!"

"Um... what?"

"The plants in my apartment. Dead. There's no one there to water them."

"Josh, how many plants do you actually have?"

"Three or four?"

"None, Josh, you have no plants."

"I don't?"

"Nope."

"I could have sworn I had plants."

"At one time you did. Actually, at several different times, you had plants. And how do I know this?"

"Well-"

"Because I was the one to throw them away when you forgot to water them. Despite the fact you have a cleaning lady which, as you know, I find totally repugnant, you still managed to murder every bit of greenery you were stupid enough to lug home."

"Will you ever get tired of insulting me?"

"Will you ever stop doing dumb things?"

"Not in the foreseeable future."

"So you should learn to deal with it. Besides, I think you secretly like it when I insult you."

"What? How do you figure that?"

"Because it means you get to act all affronted and put upon. Then you can plaster that pathetic puppy expression on your face and guilt me into doing things for you."

"You've figured out my master plan."

"Josh, I figured that within the first week of working for you."

"Long time ago."

"I remember everything."

"I remember how young you looked."

"You saying I don't look young now?"

"You still look young. Especially with the dirty hair in pigtails. You look even younger when you wear no make up."

"Then I must look about ten right now. I've just taken my make up off and my hair is in two messy, braided bunches because I've got a face mask on."

"What's the mask for?"

"So I can look beautiful of course. It promises to reduce wrinkles and smooth fine lines. I don't believe a word of it, but it feels nice and tingly."

"You're already beautiful."

"Not with green mud on my face."

"Are you in your jammies?"

"Yep."

"Me too."

"Is your next question going to be 'what kind of jammies'?"

"If it was, would you get mad and hang up on me?"

"Now why would I do that, Josh? Does every woman you ask that of hang up on you?"

"I don't ask any woman what they're wearing!"

"Men?"

"Donnnna."

"Okay, Mr. Whiny."

"I love how you find it amusing to give me insulting names."

"You know you love it, baby."

"I love it when you call me baby. Describe what you're wearing."

"Sure but I need your credit card number first. It's five nintey five for the first minute. Two ninety five for each subsequent minute."

"You know my credit card number. Charge me whatever you want."

"Okay, now we're straying into weird and awkward territory."

"So you're not going to tell me what you're wearing?"

"Jammies."

"Fine, be that way."

"Stop sulking, Josh. If you must satisfy your sick fantasies I'm wearing a t-shirt and shorts."

"Aren't you cold?"

"A little bit. But the shorts are old and soft. And it's my Bartlet for America t-shirt from the first campaign."

"You still have that?"

"Yep. And my Bartlet for America banner, my Bartlet for America baseball cap, and countless Bartlet for America badges."

"Okay you think it's a good idea to wear a Bartlet for America t-shirt while working on a Russell for President campaign?"

"I wear the t-shirt to bed, Josh. There's no one else here when I go to bed."

"Good to know."

"Is it now?"

"I don't want anyone in your room at night, Donna."

"And your reason for that would be..."

"You can't expect people to take you seriously if they've seen you in your jammies."

"Okay but technically they're not jammies. It's a t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts."

"Boxer shorts! That's underwear!"

"As I said, no one sees me in them and besides, they're not mine. I stole them from you ages ago and they're so big they're practically falling off me."

"Which ones?"

"The blue with the white stars."

"I have blue boxer shorts with white stars on them?"

"Not anymore, Josh."

"Because you stole them from me."

"I bought them for you, Josh. The first time you made me buy you clothes, it was underwear! Two weeks working for you and you send me out to get you boxer shorts."

"I thought you liked buying my clothes?"

"Well yes, but only because you can't coordinate your wardrobe."

"I can coordinate, Donna, I just prefer you to do it for me."

"Yeah but two weeks, Josh. Do you know how creeped out I was buying your underwear?"

"Sorry."

"It's okay. Honestly, it didn't creep me out so much as amuse me that I was buying underwear because you'd left all of it behind in Nashua."

"Now I remember. You bought me four pairs. Stars, moons, suns and planets."

"Coordination, Josh."

"You're nuts."

"Perhaps, but you couldn't live without me."

"And yet I'm gonna have to try to."

"Josh."

"Um... actually I better go. Early wake up call tomorrow. Need sleep. This isn't an excuse, you know how it is."

"I know how it is yeah."

"Night, Donna."

"Night, Josh."

~~

"Yeeees?"

"I'm bored, Donna, entertain me."

"I haven't spoken to you in two days and this is the first thing you say?"

"Hello, I missed you. Hope you're okay. I'm bored."

"Idiot. Shouldn't you be working?"

"At midnight?"

"Is it that early?"

"Stop it."

"Okay, I'm having an early night too."

"So you were just trying to make me feel lazy?"

"Can't pull the wool over your eyes, Josh."

"Yeah, any wool on my face would make me a sheep."

"Funny."

"Wanna hear something else funny?"

"Sure."

"Bingo Bob is a sheep in sheep's clothing."

"Ha ha."

"That was a sarcastic laugh... right?"

"No wool on you today."

"Okay, so it wasn't that funny. In my defense, I didn't make it up; I heard it today."

"You must have a lot of failed comedians on staff, Josh."

"Well we are in a serious business here."

"Now that's a joke."

"You're not laughing."

"On the inside."

"Ah of course. Well, if you're not working either what are you doing?"

"I'm tucked up in an extremely uncomfortable motel bed watching a movie."

"Which one?"

"Something recent. Lots of shouting and violence and gratuitous sex."

"Fun."

"I know you're only referring to the sex right?"

"Gratuitous anything is always good."

"Shut up."

"You get TCM there?"

"Think so."

"Turn it on."

"Why?"

"Just do it, Donna."

"Oh!"

"There you go."

"I love this movie."

"I know."

"Really?"

"Well yeah. You may think that I ignored everything you ever rambled on about but I did file a few things away in the memory."

"A few?"

"Yeah, some."

"You're not going to tell me exactly what you filed?"

"Not tonight."

"Soon?"

"Donna, shut up and watch the movie."

"Stay on the phone until it's over?"

"Trying to run up my phone bill?"

"Yes."

"Just so we're clear."

"You know what I love about this movie?"

"Because he brings the woo?"

"A man just doesn't know how to woo anymore. You know? I mean, sure they try with flowers and chocolates and cutesy little cards with teddy bears and kittens, but it's all too Hallmark."

"You like flowers."

"I adore flowers, what woman doesn't, but woo isn't about flowers."

"You gonna tell me what it's about?"

"It's about this! It's about making her feel as though she's the most important thing in his life, he would die for her, he would kill for her... well maybe not actually kill someone, I mean hypothetically of course. I wouldn't want my man to kill someone."

"No, that wouldn't be a bonus to the relationship."

"But still, I think it's the whole romanticism of it all. I want to be swept off my feet, literally swept, and I want to be courted and charmed and-"

"And wooed. I know this about you."

"Lots of people know lots of things, Josh, but still don't do them. I, for instance, know how to roller skate but do I do it?"

"Since I've never seen you spin around Central Park singing at the top of your lungs, I'm gonna say no."

"You missed my point."

"I'm ignoring your point."

"You say potahhhhto."

"No, Donna, I say potaaayto - actually, I say fries."

"I haven't had fries in... well, hmm it's been awhile."

"When?"

"Um, Iowa. Corn. You know."

"Oh."

"So, to get back on the subject, you think I can't skate around singing?"

"Only if you had someone as good as Fred in your arms."

"She danced in heels and backwards, Josh. You ever danced in heels?"

"I've never even worn heels... except, of course..."

"You were what, four years old I would guess, prancing about in your mom's clothing?"

"We had tea. It was very civilized."

"No wonder you're so confused about women and wooing."

"Hey, I'm not confused, I have a method, I have a plan, I have technique and expertise."

"No you don't."

"I could learn."

"How to woo a woman?"

"Teach me."

"We should be wooed and were not made to woo."

"Hang on, I know this..."

"Take your time."

"Okay well it's... it's..."

"Helena. Demetrius."

"I knew that. You just spoiled my-"

"Chance to prove yourself knowledgeable in all things possible?"

"Yes."

"Deal with it."

"'Kay."

"See, this movie is beautiful. I love this movie."

"She perpetrates a fraud to win the man she loves."

"Yes."

"Sneaky."

"Sometimes we have to do sneaky things."

"We being?"

"Women. See, Josh, men are stupid. They have to be smacked around sometimes because they're normally content to bumble along. We have to help them, regardless of Shakespeare's belief."

"And yet you still want to be wooed."

"Yeah I do but in this day and age men have forgotten the charm. Chivalry, Josh, is dead."

"The women's liberation movement killed it."

"Ooh I know someone who'd have your head for that."

"She'd have other things too."

"I really don't want to know."

"Okay."

"No, I mean I really don't. The good thing about no longer working for you is I DON'T HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC LOVE LIFE!"

"Okay, well raising your voice at me really shows your level of maturity, Donna."

"Bite me."

"And the level is lowered a little more."

"You know something, Josh? You're a jackass. You've always been one, you'll always be one."

"What'd I say?"

"Hanging up now."

"Donna, wait!"

"What?"

"Why are you getting mad at me for something I have every right to do but, even though it's none of your business, didn't do... what? Was that a sarcastic sigh?"

"No it was a 'you're so right, Josh' sigh."

"Why do I get the feeling I'm about to be spanked here?"

"Putting your sicko fantasies aside for one minute, it was a sigh of, I don't know, acquiescence. No, it wasn't, it was a nothing sigh. A 'you're so stupid, Donna' sigh I think. No wait..."

"Anytime."

"Josh, I'm tired."

"So am I, it's... ugh I have to get up in five hours."

"I'm tired of other things. Lots of things."

"Wanna tell me?"

"No."

"Do they have to do with me?"

"Does that even need to be a question?"

"Guess not."

"I want to sleep now."

"Sure."

"Thanks for watching the movie with me."

"Would have been better in person with popcorn."

"Next time."

"Donna... you don't hate me?"

"What do you think?"

"I'll bring the M&M's?"

"It's a date."

~~

"Hey, Donna, it's me. I guess you're busy or something. Anyway, just a quick message. I'm sorry I was flip in the closet. I got scared. I'm stupid, I admit that. I just didn't know what to say and I reverted to the Josh of old. I know our relationship is changing but it's so much easier on the phone.

I just... I don't like dancing anymore. I don't like metaphors. I don't like pretending what we have isn't there. I want us to be the thing we weren't allowed to be even though I don't think anyone would have minded so much. I don't know why permission needs to be given but it's been too convenient an excuse for both of us.

I know I'm useless at this sort of thing; how many times have you reminded me of that and I still never learn. I'm trying now, so don't laugh at me too much okay?

I'm not asking for anything specific but since we are the masters of the metaphors let me try for the gold medal as well as the crown and say this: I want to be with you on your side of the wall and I know I'm a yutz at relationships but I'm making the first move here, granted it's extremely late but at least I got there.

So really, what I'm trying to say is you're beautiful and special and I'm afraid of what I feel for you because I think I'll mess it up so try not to slam the door in my face when I show up with flowers and tell you that I need you and maybe we should quit with the metaphorical games and we really should talk. Face to face."

"Josh?"

"Donna?"

"Hi."

"You're there?"

"I was screening."

"How the hell do you screen a cell call?"

"My cell is charging and I diverted it to my machine."

"You're still in DC?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah."

"So..."

"So you've been listing to me ramble on."

"You're good at that, Josh."

"I know."

"So these flowers?"

"Yeah?"

"What kind are they?"

"Roses."

"Red ones?"

"Yeah."

"You know what red means right?"

"Donna, I know."

"When do I get them?"

"Well, I haven't bought them yet."

"It's one in the morning, where do you think you're going to get flowers."

"Well I wasn't planning on doing anything tonight."

"I WANT MY FLOWERS, JOSH!"

"There's no need to scream at me."

"Sorry."

"I forgive you."

"How gracious. Josh, a girl can only wait so long for a man to climb over her wall with a red rose in his teeth."

"If I put them in my mouth I'll get stuck by the thorns."

"Life is full of thorns. Sometimes you get stuck, sometimes you don't."

"I don't like getting hurt."

"No one does, but some people are lucky enough to have other people to kiss their injuries better."

"If I get stuck will you help me?"

"I'll always help you, Josh. Where are my roses?"

"Why are things easier on the phone?"

"Same reason things are easier in letters and emails and instant chat. You can be free in faceless conversations."

"Yeah."

"It's an anchor. A safe harbor."

"I don't understand."

"Don't you, Josh?"

"No, you're right."

"Of course."

"It's easier for me."

"Yep."

"Because I'm afraid. This is impersonal. I can say things here that I can't say to your face."

"You think a phone call isn't personal? All I hear is your voice. I can't see you or smell you or touch you. I can't taste you. The only sense I have is sound. Everything I feel for you is concentrated into voice only. You don't think that's personal?"

"It's impersonal, Donna, because without the distance..."

"Go on."

"I don't know if I'd be able to say certain things if you were next to me right now."

"What things?"

"What I feel for you... about you."

"What's that?"

"Come on, you know."

"So you're scared I don't feel the same?"

"Pretty much."

"When did I ever give an indication I didn't feel the same?"

"Well..."

"So when do I get my roses?"