Hey, Josh.

Hey yourself.

What's up?

Same old, same old. You?

Same old too.

She's thinking about us again.

When does she not think about us, Donna?

Um... hmm, when she's sleeping?

No, remember that time last week?

Ohh, yeah.

You were good.

You were better.

I was, wasn't I?

I never knew you were so... flexible.

It's a talent I don't let just anyone see.

Maybe you want to show it to me again sometime?

It's up to her, Josh. I can only do what she imagines me to do.

I'll have to convince her then.

You know... I don't think you can control her thoughts.

I can try, Donna!

If you could, we wouldn't find ourselves in her brain every few minutes.

Well technically not every few minutes. There are times when she doesn't think about us at all.

Does that upset you?

Nooo. No. She needs a life. I'm happy when she doesn't think about us.

You're lying! Your big old male ego needs constant stroking and you love it when she thinks about you.

Well if I do, it's only because you're here as well.

Not all the time, Josh. You're more in her head than I am and I don't think I've ever been here without you.

Does that upset you?

No, of course not! She doesn't fancy me like she fancies you. You, she wants to shove up against a wall and do naughty things to. If I'm in here, it's only because she wants you and I to be shoving each other.

Okay, I agree that she wants me bad. But she does fancy your boobs.

Well... they are nice boobs.

And you know that I fancy them too.

This I do know. You couldn't stop molesting them last time.

Hey, that was her making me.

Didn't hear you complaining!

Why should I complain, Donna? Your boobs are nice.

You want another feel?

She's not imagining that at the moment.

Why not?

She's thinking about ways she can be mean to us.

She is terribly mean to us sometimes.

But she does love us unconditionally.

And she lets us have sex.

So we can't hate her, Donna.

No, you're right.

Me, right? I'm shocked!

Ha ha. You are right sometimes. And I'm woman enough to admit it.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

Oh shut up.

You don't care I'm having a heart attack?

No, Josh, because you're not. Amateur dramatics aside, you can't do anything in here that she doesn't like. Although there was that time she imagined you, me and Sam.

How could I forget?

She forgot. Or I think her brain shut off in denial. But it's such a shame she didn't write it down

I think she was tired; she'd had a long day and not much sleep. Poor kid.

No, Josh, she's not a kid with what she pictures sometimes. She had us doing it in the kitchen last week.

Well I wouldn't call that doing it. In fact the only thing that got done was you, Donna.

You think I got to enjoy my orgasm? I whacked my head on the cabinet and passed out!

At least you got an orgasm!

Was it my fault my head hurt so much afterwards?

You still could have relieved my tension you know. But noooo, all you cared about was the fact your cookies got burnt.

Burnt again, Josh! I had to throw that batch away and by the time my head stopped pounding it was the next day and I had to give store bought cookies to Margaret!

You only gave her cookies for her birthday?

Uh, no. I also gave her a little gift from that store on Pennsylvania.

Which one?

The one I won't let you go into in case your brain explodes.

Ohh, the one with all the, um... girly things?

Yep.

Did she like it?

Well from the content look on her face-

Okay, stop it. I don't want to know. I am NOT listening.

Brain shutting down?

Exploding more like.

Actually, now I think about it, she hasn't imagined us with toys.

She obviously thinks I'm man enough for you!

Or she just hasn't gotten around to writing it yet.

I don't care when she writes it. Just as long as anything being inserted is only being inserted into you, Donna.

Afraid?

NO! I just, um... okay, yes I'm afraid.

But in that threesome with Sam you didn't mind so much.

That's because you were sucking my cock. I was in an orgasmic trance.

So why did you scream his name when you came?

Did you have to make that rhyme?

Will it make you feel less uncomfortable if I ask why you screamed 'Oh God, Sam!' when you came?

Why are we talking about the threesome with Sam that she didn't even write down?

Because she's thinking about it now, Josh.

Can't we make her think about something else?

Got any suggestions?

What if I just bend over? She likes my ass. She'll go all dreamy and we can make a run for it.

The fact she's dreaming about your ass will probably require you to stay.

Yeah but you can escape.

You'd do that for me?

Well, yeah.

You're just the sweetest thing you know.

Aww, Donna.

And you're blushing as well. If only she could see you.

She can see me, that's the point. You think I would blush like this if she didn't want me blushing like this?

I don't think I've seen you blush but I have seen you self conscious before. You were so adorable when you gave me that book for Christmas.

I remember. I didn't blush then but she's picturing me blushing now so I'm blushing! It's not fair; I want to have a bit of control over my life.

You have control, Josh.

Do I, Donna?

No, of course you don't. She's in control, Josh. And if she ever lets you go, I would take over. You will never be able to live your life the way you want.

Not faaaaair.

Must you whine like that?

Again, remembering where we are, blame HER!

She does like you whiny, I admit.

She likes everything about me. My ass, my arms, my hair-

It is very sexy hair.

Can I continue please?

By all means.

Um... hair! Right, she loves my hair, my dimples, my smile-

Your ass.

I said that.

Yeah but she loves it a lot.

She likes your ass as well, Donna.

She only likes it because she wants her own to look like it. She loves your ass because she wants to sink her teeth into it.

I think I still have the bite marks from last time.

But at least you can sit down now.

Always a bonus... where was I?

Elucidating on why you are da man.

I'm da man!

In her eyes.

And a lot of other people's.

Yeah well we're not in their heads at the moment - we're in hers.

She's a bit selfish in keeping us here all the time.

You're complaining at the amount of time you get to spend with me, Josh?

No, of course not!

Because that's what it sounded like.

Hey! When I'm in other people's heads you're there too.

Sometimes I am. Sometimes, you're with Sam, or Toby-

Eww, who writes me with Toby?

There were a few she read but she's erased them from her memory and all I get to remember in here is what she lets me remember. Good things, nothing disturbing.

She makes me remember being shot, Donna. I wouldn't call that a good thing.

Oh yeah, she does do that. And she makes me remember Gaza.

She likes the guy who plays the evil Wizard in those kids' movies.

He is very sexy... But she doesn't like him as my lover.

Oh no, that upsets her.

But then we made up for it in the hospital. I was glad to have you there, Josh. When I woke up and saw you staring at me I knew you loved me.

I've always loved you, Donna.

And I love you, Josh, and I want to marry you and have lots of babies and puppies and backyard barbeques... Uh oh, she's getting all fluffy now.

Do you have a problem with her fluffiness? Because I seem to remember last time she wrote us fluffy, there was a baby and you liked that idea.

Yes I liked that idea but she hasn't finished writing it yet. Until it's done, I can't trust her to twist it into something heartbreaking.

She does like those surprise endings.

Heartless woman.

No, she just doesn't like to be predictable.

How is it you know so much about her, Josh?

I like here practically twenty four seven. I understand the way her mind works.

And?

It's a very disturbing place really.

Don't let her hear that or she'll punish you.

She's already planning on punishing both of us, Donna.

Oh?

In the Kinky Sex series. Bad things are going to happen but apparently everything will turn out okay in the end.

How can you be sure?

Okay, I can't be sure. All I know is she would never kill, maim, or permanently damage me in any way, shape or form.

Yeah but what about me, Josh?

You... um... I plead the fifth.

Hey if you have insider information you have to share it!

Well I don't know specifics really. But there was that thing last week remember?

Oh, right. Yeah.

She hasn't published it yet so she could still change it.

Somehow, I don't think so.

No, me either.

But the good thing about her is she'll write us having sex almost immediately after she destroys us.

Instant resurrection. So to speak.

Works for me.

So when is she going to write us having sex again?

You're insatiable, Josh!

I didn't get anything in the last piece of porn!

You got to suck on my clit!

Not good ENOUGH!

Voice please, Josh.

Sorry. But it wasn't fair, Donna. I need to have an orgasm, when do I get one?

When she writes more porn!

When will that be?

How should I know! She's trying to write ten others at the moment. With probably twenty more random suggestions floating around. People keep putting ideas in here and she can't resist them, poor lamb.

Lamb?

She's in England, people talk like that.

They do not!

Do too!

When were you last in England, Donna?

Um...

So how do you know?

Lord John says it!

Lord John talks about nothing but women, whiskey, terrorists, and the First lady's breasts.

She does have magnificent breasts.

They're nothing compared to yours, Donna.

None are as good as mine.

Mind if I check for myself?

Go right ahead, I'm sure she doesn't mind either.

Mmm, soft.

Okay, maybe you wanna stop grinding them now?

I can't help it, she's suddenly thinking about Chicago!

Why would her thinking about the Windy City cause you to start grinding my breasts, Josh?

Not the city, the musical.

Oh, right. Why do you think breast fondling leads her to think about Chicago?

How should I know, Donna!

Because you said you knew her.

Well I don't know everything and yes, before you start gloating about that, I admit I don't know everything when it comes to her. She's complicated in ways I can't even begin to describe.

So are you, Josh!

Yeah but my abnormality can be traced back to childhood events.

I think she's just weird because... well just because really.

Oh, because. Every woman's answer to a question they don't know the answer to.

Yes and it's a legitimate answer!

Says you.

And aren't I always right?

No, not always.

Excuse me?

You're always right. Please let go of my ear.

Hmph, that's better. Was that her or was that you though?

Well, she adores me, Donna, but she does think you have a propensity to be more right than I do. Women always stick together. It's a conspiracy.

Yeah but what are you gonna do about it?

Not much in here.

We don't actually seem to be doing much in here at the moment.

Usually she has us randomly act out scenes-

Which she then fails to write down.

Are you complaining about what we do in here?

No, of course not! But I get tired sometimes, Josh. We've been standing around here for ages and we haven't actually started anything.

Well I did get to fondle your breasts.

You fondled them like you were trying to unscrew jar lids! It wasn't pleasant.

That was her! Not my fault she randomly started thinking... Hang on... oh yes; she was listening to it on the tube this morning.

Which version?

The stage. She doesn't like the movie.

Why not? Richard Gere is cute!

You might think so but she doesn't. And she's pissed that half the cast couldn't sing. Same with Phantom. She was disappointed they fucked the movie up with people whose voices could cause spontaneous brain leakage in the listeners.

Josh, I'm both surprised and amused you know so much about musicals.

Only because I live here most of the time! I remember... oh no, I probably shouldn't tell you that.

No, go on!

No.

Please?

No.

I'll get you a cup of coffee.

Okay!

You called my bluff, Dave. I mean, Josh.

Dave? Who the hell is Dave?

Um... she was watching Newsradio the other day. She made me say it.

Good defence even though I have no idea what you're talking about.

That's okay, no one else knows either. As usual. But please tell me what she was imagining about you.

Whhhhy?

Because you love me, Josh.

You think you can make those big wide eyes, and that pouty smile and- hey! Don't touch me there, Donna!

Don't you like it?

I like it too much. You can't manhandle me just to get me to talk...ohh God.

Heehee.

Hang on, you didn't just say heehee did you?

How else does one describe laughter in an all dialogue conversation?

Well you could say ell oh ell.

Somehow, I think not. I do think, however, that if I manhandle you a little harder you'll go into your orgasmic trance again and tell me what I want to know.

You don't play fair, Donna.

Yeah but what are you going to do about it right now? I mean look at you - you're practically falling over because I'm nibbling your ear and stroking your cock.

Guuuh.

Tell me what she was thinking about you.

If I tell you will you promise to let me have an orgasm?

I swear you will get an orgasm, Josh.

Yessss!

Well?

She was imagining me serenading her. Romeo and Juliet, moonlit balcony, that sort of thing. She made me climb up the trellis but it was so overgrown with vegetation that I lost my balance and wound up hanging upside down, entangled in the ivy.

And then?

Then um... Ryan came along and rescued me.

Ryan? The little guy who was with us one day and gone the next?

Yep.

Why did she have Ryan rescue you?

Because I was whimpering like a baby. And she imagined me with the same puppy face I had when I was having a nutty at the capitol building. And Ryan was there. Please don't laugh.

I'm not going to laugh.

You're laughing.

Maybe on the inside.

I can see your mouth twitching, Donna.

Can you just give me a minute please?

Oh go on then.

Ahhahahahaaaaaaaaa.

Shut up.

Sorry. Hee. Sorry!

You suck.

Hmm, you want me to suck?

Um... which sucking are we talking about?

Which do you think?

I'm thinking the good kind because of where your hand is.

So if you want me to suck, don't say I suck.

My head hurts.

Maybe if I kiss your cock it'll cure your headache.

I really think you should test that theory.

Have you ever wondered why she only uses the words cock or erection?

That's what you're wondering right now?

I can't think about other things while I'm down here?

Hey! When did you go down there?

Just then. She thought about it, so down I went.

If she's thinking about you sucking me off then why are you still talking?

Because she wants to torment you.

Why? Why, why, why? She loves me, Donna!

But she likes torturing you, Josh. We all hurt the ones we love you know.

I wouldn't hurt you.

Excuse me? I can list multiple instances of when you've hurt me!

Not physically though. Except for that time last week with the head banging. But that wasn't my fault - she wrote that!

Ah but I still got an orgasm beforehand so technically she was being nice to me. And besides, you think you can only hurt me physically?

I don't mean to hurt you any other way. I love you, Donna.

You only love me because I'm smooching your winky.

MY WHAT?!

Did I just say winky?

And smooch.

God, she is evil today.

Why is she suddenly thinking about my cock as a winky? My cock is very much not a winky!

Would you stop saying winky before I start laughing and end up choking?

So if you're going to laugh, take my COCK out of your mouth first.

I still think winky suits it.

No, no, Donna, it doesn't! I have a penis.

No she doesn't like penis because it's too clinical. It's also why she never uses vagina. Make her think of the gynaecologist and his little metal ducky.

Um, metal ducky?

Don't ask. Your brain might actually leap out of your head in terror.

Ooookay. No winkies, no penises.

Doodle?

No.

Giant throbbing sword of passionate desire?

NO! I have a cock, an erection, a dick-

Nah, she doesn't use dick like that.

How does she use it?

She prefers to use it to insult someone.

I thought that was fuckass?

That too.

She swears way too much in my opinion.

Did anyone actually ask for your opinion, Josh?

No one asked me, I chose to volunteer it.

That's unusual for you isn't it?

Shut up and start sucking.

Just for that... no.

Hey! You just can't stop like that. Donna get back on your knees!

No! And I can so stop like that. Because I wanted to, and she wanted me to.

She's so meeeean.

Oh look, Mr. Whiny is back.

It's her!

You need to take some responsibility, Josh.

Meh.

Did you just say meh?

Yes.

Why?

Her! HER HER HER!

Okaaay. Settle down, sweetie pie.

Sweetie pie? Oh God, why is she doing this to me?

I don't know, lover boy. Um... hmm.

Lover boy?

Oh, I know what she's doing.

Care to enlighten me?

She's trying out those terms of endearment.

Which terms of endearment?

The ones she wanted to pick for you. She was thinking about it the other day and she wants to give you a pet name. Like love muffin.

Ooh, I could be called stud muffin!

Um, nope, you're really not a stud muffin. Sweetcheeks, cupcake, babycakes, buttercup?

They sound like food, Donna.

A buttercup is a flower.

It doesn't matter! I'm not having you calling me buttercup!

Blossom? Doodlebug?

NO! I said no flowers and definitely no doodles. For that matter, no winkies either.

Okay how about poopsy woopsy? Although that does sound like something you'd find in a child's diaper.

Yeesh, did you have to give me that visual?

Sorry. How about babykins- hey don't make that face, Josh, she wants you to have a pet name.

But whhhy?

Because of you way you're reacting to getting a pet name. She likes you whiny remember.

So if I were to get all excited about a name she'll stop making you think them?

Maybe. Or maybe that's what she wants you to do. Or maybe that's what she wants you not to do. Reverse reverse psychology.

My head hurts again.

Aww, snookums. Come here and I'll give it a rub for you.

Why can you go back to rubbing the other thing you were rubbing? Better yet - sucking it. Which you didn't even start doing properly!

She's not in the mood anymore.

That is so not fair.

No one ever said life was fair, Josh.

I've had my share of crap, Donna. And so have you! We deserve a little happiness now.

I agree. And she does as well. She just likes to make us squirm.

Evil.

Yeah but I love her.

You do?

Of course! She lets me have sex with you.

So you wouldn't have sex with me if she wasn't controlling you?

I'd sex you up but good, Josh. Oh, those were her words by the way. My sentiment but her language. I can't help talking like her in here. Anyway... I don't have the luxury to sex you up because I'm a fictional character and can only do what writers tell me to do.

It's not so bad being fictional, Donna. We seem to recover from major operations very quickly. And there's never any suspense with elections.

I guess. Sometimes I'd like to be able to kiss you without having someone tell me to.

Like now?

Yeah. I'd like to lean over and give you a soft little kiss on your nose. And then maybe one cheek. Then the other. And then kiss all the little furrows in your forehead.

Aww shucks, Ma'am.

Okay, that's gotta be her making you say shucks, because you are not a shucks person, Josh. And you realize you're now wearing a cowboy hat?

She was watching Ryan Stiles mimic John Wayne this morning.

I didn't know John Wayne ever said aww shucks Ma'am.

Well Ryan said so that's why I'm saying it.

Does she ever have any thoughts independent of TV?

Yes, us.

Ah but technically we are TV. Sort of. Gives you a bit of an identity crisis sometimes.

Maybe it gives you one. Me - I'm happy floating around someone's head; who cares if I'm real or not. They make me real and when no one thinks of me, I cease to exist and by that definition I have no identity. No identity means no possibility of an identity crisis.

Wow you're profound tonight, Donna.

I think I could make a career out of it. Donna Moss: Existential Philosopher.

You so could not!

Excuse me, Mr. I-Could-Have-Been-A-Professional-Baseball-Player?

Hey, I gave up that dream!

Yeah, I remember the tantrum. Which, by the way, was very mature of you.

You're picking on me; I don't think she likes it when you pick on me!

She loves the banter.

We're not bantering! You're calling me names, insulting my childhood dream, and saying I'm immature!

Aww, poppet. Come here and give me a hug.

Poppet?

English word. Does it matter what I call you while I have my arms around your neck?

No, I don't care what you call me... mmm you smell good.

Of course.

And your hair is so soft.

I know.

Would you mind if I kissed you now, Donna?

I would mind if you didn't.

Mmmm.

MmmMMmMmmMm.

MmMmMmmMmmMmm.

MmMmm-gah! Air, need air!

She's letting us kiss and you need air?

Would you rather I fainted?

I could always catch you.

No you couldn't, Josh.

I'm very strong.

No, you're really not!

Way to make a guy feel good about himself.

Aww sweetie, I'm sorry. But you're really not going to be able to catch me if I collapse in a heap.

I so could. Feel my arm muscles. Go on.

Nice. Muscly... mmm.

See!

Josh, I suddenly have an overwhelming desire to lick your bicep.

That'd be her desire.

Oh no, this is all me. I just want to bite down hard and-

OW!

Oops, sorry. Couldn't resist.

I have your teeth marks, Donna. On my arm! How do I explain this to the guys when we play basketball?

You still play?

Of course, how else does she get to imagine me all hot and sweaty?

When you and I have sex of course.

But the basketball is all about the alpha male lust. Sam, The President, Toby-

Toby's an alpha male?

She likes the way he's so gruff and rough but all kittenish and soft inside.

And the President as an alpha male, Josh? Which President?

The one who can't walk sometimes, over pronounces words, and has an insane addiction to useless trivia.

Oh, not the new one that you fangirl?

Nope. Although he does have a nice ass. So I'm told.

Should I be worried about that?

No. I'm all man.

Except when Sam was fucking you. He was the man then if I recall correctly.

Lalalala, I can't heeear you!

Oh now that's mature. Come on Josh, you love shagging Sam the Sunshine Man.

Not in here. Other people's brains maybe, but not here. And do you realize we're not smooching anymore?

That's because I needed air.

You've had your fill of air, Donna. Come here so I can ravage you.

Ravage?

You saucy wench, you.

Heehee. Saucy wench?

Okay, that's totally her. Conversation she was having this morning led her to dream about pirates and busty serving maids. I was the pirate. Yargh me hearties!

Sorry, could you just excuse me while fall down laughing?

Do I have any chance of stopping you?

Nope.

Dumdedum... Lalala... Are you done yet?

Snort. Yes. Here I am, laughter free and ready for... um, pirate ravaging. Hee. Sorry.

I should be offended but since she and I had some good sex this morning, I'm not.

HEY!

What?

I thought you said you hadn't had an orgasm in ages.

Not with you. With her... this morn- ow Donna that was my ankle!

Yeah and I'm about to kick the other one, bucko. You cheated on me with her!

I can't help it! She forces me to participate in her wicked mind games. Sniffle.

Um... sniffle?

Yes.

That's oddly adorable you actually saying sniffle instead of crying.

I only cry when I'm having an episode. Or when you're dying in a hospital bed. Or um, when I'm having a random nutty for no reason other than to show the world how gorgeous my emo face is.

Your emo face is heartbreaking.

I know.

Makes me want to smooch you all over to cheer you up.

All over?

Yes.

All over my body?

Yes.

That would include my cock right?

If your cock is attached to your body then yes, it gets smooched.

And licked?

If she wants me to.

Hmm... hey, when did this king sized bed appear?

Just then.

Think she's messing with our heads again?

Could be.

I think we should get into bed and see what happens.

Smooth, Josh.

I try.

Ooh this bed is so soft.

Comfy.

Snuggly even.

Um Donna, can I just-

Yes.

How about-

Oh, God, yes please.

So if I touched you here?

I wouldn't say no.

And if I undid this... and this... and this...

I'd be naked, Josh.

Which you now are.

That was quick.

I'm extremely talented.

At removing women's clothes? You're not really endearing yourself to me.

I'm talented at removing your clothes. And at removing mine. See, they're gone now!

I think that was her.

Can we not think about her while we're having sex?

She's the one imagining us having sex.

Doesn't mean we have to think about her.

True. So...

Back to the fondling?

No jar lids this time please, Josh.

What if I used my mouth?

No teeth.

Just a few nibbles though. I'll be sooo gentle... See?

Ohhh... yes. Just... further down. Further... further. Okay stop there.

Donna, why is my head about to dive between your legs now?

Because.

Nooooo! It's not fair. Where's my ORGASM!? Donnnnna!

No whining when you're down there. You won't get an orgasm until I get one because she obviously thinks that's the way sex should work between two people. The minute you come, you'll fall asleep and I'll have to finish myself, myself.

You know, I don't think I've ever seen you masturbate, Donna.

She hasn't written that.

And she hasn't imagined it either. Because I'd remember.

I think you'd have a heart attack watching me masturbate. Or you wouldn't be able to resist helping me.

Oh, someone else wrote that.

Yeah. God, that was a good orgasm.

For me too.

Yes but that's in the past and this is the present and you seem to be talking and not swimming. Strap on your goggles and snorkel and dive right in, Josh. I can't just lie here with my legs open. It's draughty.

Okay but can I ask why you require me to wear scuba gear while I'm tasting you?

Another conversation she had yesterday. Although I'm unsure why I was in her head while she was discussing flowing, gushing love juices.

Wow. Um... hmm. Gushing?

Don't ask.

I really don't want to.

Just an FYI though - we don't gush. Or leak. Or dribble for that matter. So there's no need to lap up my juices okay?

She's making you say that... isn't she?

Yes. But I'd say in anyway. I don't have a fast flowing river between my legs, no matter how many people seem to write it that way.

You are completely killing the mood here. All of a sudden I don't want sex.

Nooooo. You?

Okay there's no need to be all sarcastic there.

Sorry. It's just so easy to torment you.

I know. Both of you like to be mean to me.

Because we love you, Josh.

That's some twisted logic there.

Yeah but what are you going to do about it?

Not much really.

That's the spirit! Live in resignation!

Well since we're not going to have sex... do you mind if I stop hanging around down here?

Sure, come on up and we can snuggle.

Snuggling sounds good.

Snuggling is good. And snuggling with you, Josh, is what I love the most.

Really?

Does that surprise you?

I don't know. I mean, the sex is really, really good between us.

I agree that it is. Maybe it's because I'm getting older... smarter? I don't know. But the thing I most look forward to when I see you is just having your arms around me, Josh.

Because I'm da man?

No, because I love you and want you to hold me. And I want to hold you. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up with you by my side.

That isn't her talking?

No. Can't you feel it? She's let go of us now.

Freedom!

Freedom is nice, I agree. But come on... admit that you don't mind when she controls you.

Well... no. Most of the time she takes care of me... you... Us. I just like being able to kiss you because I want to, not because she wants me to.

You'd kiss me regardless.

I know. But I have to have something to complain about. It's who I am.

I love who you are, Josh. Dimples, bald head, screwed up emotions. I wouldn't change a thing about you.

I wouldn't change you either, Donna.

I love you.

I know.

Um... Star Wars, Josh?

She watched it the other day.

Shut up now.