"So..."

"So."

"Why did we stop? We should be doing something here."

"I agree, Josh."

"And yet, we're not."

"I'd agree with you on that statement as well."

"So the question remains-"

"Why we're not doing what we should be doing, and therefore are just sitting here in a somewhat embarrassed silence."

"It should bother me that you finish my sentences."

"And yet it never has."

"I'd disagree with you on that point, Donna, but there are more important things to think about right now."

"Or disagree about."

"Are we disagreeing on the 'doing something' point?"

"Oh, no, I'm in total agreement with you there. We should be doing something."

"So?"

"So."

"I believe we may have covered this previously, Donna."

"Then perhaps we should try and figure out why we're not doing anything."

"I really think that's the most logical course of action."

"Josh, when has logic ever been any kind of deciding factor in your life?"

"There's no need for that."

"What?"

"Insults."

"Was that an insult?"

"It falls into the category of 'Things That Are Not Nice'."

"I'm nice."

"Only when you want something."

"I'm always nice."

"In which world of fantasy are you living?!"

"That could definitely fall into your 'Things That Are Not Nice' category, Josh."

"It wasn't an insult!"

"Was too."

"Not."

"Okay, we could end up doing this all night."

"When we could be doing something else all night."

"Which we're not."

"Right."

"Speaking of fantasies, Josh... I did have one that involved you, me, and a chair."

"And?"

"Use your imagination."

"Hmm."

"It's so easy for me to shut you up."

"You're proud of that, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"No need to look so smug about it, Donna."

"This is my normal face."

"Well can you stop your normal face from looking so smug?"

"No."

"Right. I'm not even sure why I bother asking you to do anything."

"Because you like to think you have some sort of power over me."

"When will I ever learn?"

"I've been asking myself that for years."

"Let me know when you've got an answer."

"Only if you ask very nicely, Josh."

"I'm always nice."

"We've been here before."

"Seems familiar."

"You do realize that we're getting off topic here."

"You're thinking we should get back to the original subject of trying to figure out why we're not doing what we should be doing?"

"I think that would be an excellent idea."

"So."

"Josh, let's just put a blanket moratorium on the word 'so', okay?"

"You bet."

"So."

"I thought you said-"

"Forget what I said. I had no idea what to say which is why I went with so again."

"Donna, why aren't we having sex?"

"Yeah, I should have said that."

"Well?"

"I don't know!"

"We should be having sex right now and yet we're not."

"This is the age old question."

"It's definitely our age old question."

"We have to figure out why we're not doing what we should be doing - which is having sex - and then we can have all the sex we're not having right now because we don't know why we're not having sex."

"Absolutely. I think... yes. That makes sense, right?"

"Right. So why aren't we having sex?"

"Because we're idiots, Donna."

"While, ordinarily, I'd have to slap you on the head for calling me an idiot, I have to agree with you on this point. We are idiots."

"Complete idiots."

"Look at us. We've been dating for a few weeks. Everything has been going okay... at least in my opinion, it has."

"No, I agree with you. Everything has been going great."

"Right. We both agree that it's been going great. Things have been progressing. We no longer feel uncomfortable kissing, which is undeniably an advantage in the sort of relationship we're trying to have. We kiss, we cuddle, we have no problem showing affection in public - on many, many occasions your hand has shifted from my back to my ass which was kind of weird at first but now I don't really-"

"My touching you is weird?"

"Yes! I mean... no, not weird per se, just... creepy. Hey, stop glaring at me like that!"

"You went from calling me weird to calling me creepy which, by the way, isn't a step up in any way at all."

"Okay, so I don't mean creepy... I just mean... you know what I mean, right? Didn't you feel weird doing it?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because you have a great ass, Donna. Why wouldn't I touch it once I was allowed to? Any man would love - wait, no, there's NO WAY that any other man, ever again, will be allowed, under any circumstances, to go anywhere near it."

"You're putting an off-limits on my ass."

"Let me think for a minute here… YES!"

"I feel an inexplicable urge to laugh at you right now, but after the sensitivity you showed towards my calling you creepy, I'll be a good girlfriend and refrain."

"It'd be much appreciated."

"Well then, apart from the fact that we did get off to a slow start - and by that, I do include all nine years of wasted time prior to the first kiss - we're gathering momentum and we're at the point where we could be having sex. Should be having sex. So why aren't we? We started off on the right track tonight, Josh. A nice dinner. Nice wine. Nice music for once. There was kissing. Lots of it. And then was what could be classified as dangerously adult fondling, and it all just... stopped."

"I'm not disagreeing with you on anything there."

"We're sitting here on a nice comfortable couch. We don't have to have sex in a bed, right? The couch will do. It's soft. Big."

"You want to have sex on my couch?"

"I just want to have sex. With you. I don't care where we do it. I mean, yes, I care. But I really just want to be having sex with you right now."

"Then why aren't we having sex?"

"If we knew that then we would be having sex and we wouldn't need to ask why we're not having sex."

"You know what we really should be doing? Debating the ridiculousness of debating the reasons why we're not having sex."

"But we have no reasons, Josh! And I don't want to debate when we really should be HAVING SEX!"

"Little frustrated there?"

"Maybe."

"You think the fact you're so desperate to have sex is why you can't do it?"

"Excuse me? Are you saying you're not desperate to have sex with me as well?"

"Oh no, I am completely desperate. And I don't care that you know that. I want you to know it. I want you to realize that, if I could, I'd be on top of you. Or under you, if you feel so inclined. All over you, in fact."

"Then why aren't you?"

"Well, why aren't you all over me?"

"I don't know. I'm really sorry, Josh."

"I know it'll come as a shock to you, but I'm happy to take half the responsibility here."

"Complete shock that you're actually admitting it. But, honestly, neither of us is more at fault than the other because neither of us can get it up... as it were."

"We were doing pretty good not ten minutes ago."

"Really good."

"But we both stopped."

"Completely, mutually stopped."

"So really, the question should be… why we stopped?"

"Because we both realized exactly where your hand was and the fact it had never actually been there before."

"Yep. That would be it."

"Don't get me wrong; I really liked having your hand there."

"I'm glad to hear it."

"It's just that an inch or so further up and you'd have been…"

"Right where a different part of me really wants to be right now."

"Despite the fact that that is completely an unromantic thing to say to a woman, I want that too, Josh… but you know something? I haven't sex in a very long time which is why I don't understand that when the first chance I get to do it with someone I love, and who actually loves me just as much - if not more - I freak out, and completely lose my nerve. Why am I not actually doing anything right now? I mean, look at me! I look pretty damn good, right?"

"That skirt is really working for me. The skirt was really working for my hand which is why it was up underneath it."

"Exactly! I look hot. And I don't normally say I look hot, but I do. And you look incredible, and you smell even better and I want you more than anything. And I'm totally ready for this. Waited years and years, and wow, doesn't that sound pathetic?"

"Donna."

"It's true, Josh. I've been waiting a long time for you to come to your senses, and oh my God, that sounds even more pathetic, but all this combined seems to be a good enough reason why I can't do it."

"Donna."

"I mean, I love you, Josh. And you love me. And it's been so long and... and... and-"

"And?"

"What if it's bad?"

"What's bad? Us having sex?"

"Yes! What if it sucks? It could be really and truly horrible. Nothing working properly and bits not fitting together and, and… what if I don't measure up - what if you don't measure up? What then? Maybe you'll be disappointed when you see me naked. Or maybe you won't look as good as I think you do look when you're naked. Oh God, how shallow does this make me sound? I want sex between us to be good; I want it to be fantastic, earth shattering, mind blowing - all those outrageous, hyperbolic phrases and so maybe I can't do this because I've got all these expectations and I would rather live in the fantasy world where everything is perfect and then my dreams and hopes aren't shattered because you can't make me come. And maybe-"

"Deep breath, Donna. Come sit down; the pacing is wearing a hole in the rug."

"Sorry."

"That's better."

"Don't tell me you're not thinking the same thing though, Josh. You're just sitting there all calm and composed... you have to be worried about this. I can't be the only insane one in this relationship."

"I have it on good authority that you're not the only insane one. And you want to know what I'm worried about?"

"It would help."

"It's what you just said! It's not easy for me to admit because, you know, I'm brilliant at everything but yes, I'm worried you'll compare me to every other man you've been with. Then again, it doesn't matter, I guess. You're with me now so they obviously weren't that good. So then you really can't be disappointed, no matter how bad I am. Which I'm not. I think. I haven't had complaints before so I should be able to satisfy you. I will satisfy you. And if you think I'm all calm and composed? You're so wrong. I was doing okay at hiding it but then you just opened up that whole can of worms which, granted, I was sort of thinking about but trying not to, but you started rambling on and now I'm REALLY nervous. And okay now I sound really stupid, don't I?"

"Not that stupid. And I'm going to give you your own advice and tell you to breathe a little because I think you're going purple there."

"God, yes. Air. Helpful. Nice."

"And sit down."

"'Kay... Donna, I'm nervous about everything. I think I'm probably completely terrified of everything. It's like I've never had sex before."

"Well you haven't with me."

"I don't think I've ever been nervous before, so why is now any different."

"Because it's you, Josh. And me. Us."

"Yeah… it's us."

"This is it for me, Josh. You're it. And I don't want it to go wrong, and neither do you and this is why we're not doing what we should be doing."

"It's not going to go wrong. Everything you just said - and everything I said - means nothing in the long run. If sex is bad then we'll work through it. But you know what… I don't think it will be bad."

"While I'm really trying not to be the type woman in need of reassurance… how do you know?"

"Because I know, when we're finally naked and I'm holding you in my arms, and I'm inside you, and we're actually doing what we should be doing… that it'll be amazing."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Because you're you. And I'm me. And we're us. And yes, while I've not had the pleasure of making love to you before, I know you'll be better than anything I've ever imagined since you're an actual person - and the one in my imagination, no matter how mind-blowingly fantastic, is not. That's how I know."

"Hmm."

"Oh, go ahead and smile; you know you want to."

"Josh."

"So the beginning was a little difficult for both of us and now we know why it's been difficult maybe we can talk it through, and sort it out and get back to doing what we should be doing."

"Ah… no. I've decided I don't want to do that."

"Wait... what? I thought-"

"I don't want to talk. I think we need to kiss."

"Kiss."

"We need to kiss now. And then we need to just move on from there."

"To having sex?"

"Yes."

"So-"

"Josh."

"What?"

"How about we talk later? If anything physical goes wrong - although, as you so wonderfully put it, it won't - we can fix it then."

"But what about all these mental problems that we both apparently have?"

"You know something, Josh? This is why it took us so long to get together. We both thought too much and, even though we talked way too much, it was about nothing important at all and so it took us entirely too long to do what we should have been doing. But the fact we both have the same problems means that we just might be able to solve them together. Later."

"That makes sense."

"So."

"So... now what."

"Put your hand back where it was and kiss me."

"I love it when you're bossy, Donna."

"Since when?"

"Can we please have a little shush now? How can I kiss you when you're still talking?"

"Sorry… am I allowed to make exclamations of pleasu- ohhhh. Hello there, Mr. Hand."

"Please don't give my hand a title."

"What about a name?"

"I'm sure I'm going to regret asking this, but… what name?"

"How about… hey! That isn't fair. How am I supposed to think when you're doing… that… ohh, God. Okay, wait, Josh... wait… Mr… um… Stroky?"

"Yes but what if I did this?"

"Mr… Wiggly?"

"And what if it wasn't my hand doing that, but other parts of me?"

"Are we talking about random parts… or something specific."

"Mmm, a very specific part I think."

"Mr. Pointy?"

"Oh that's mature."

"Mr. Thrusty then?"

"And that's changed everything now. Why are we worrying about the silly mental issues we have when you've just christened my penis Mr. Thrusty. You think it's now going to be able to do what it should be doing?"

"Josh, in case you hadn't noticed, everyone - and everything - is doing exactly what they should be doing."

"Actually, I had noticed that."

"So there's no prob- ohhh, God yes, do that again please."

"What... this?"

"Yesssssss."